1 00:00:05,873 --> 00:00:07,841 United States versus China in the World Cup Final?! 2 00:00:07,875 --> 00:00:10,311 I'm going to forget all about this in 24 hours, 3 00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:12,213 but right now, this is my world. 4 00:00:12,246 --> 00:00:13,881 We're team USA, right, Tina Pham? 5 00:00:13,914 --> 00:00:15,649 Sure she was born in China, 6 00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:17,718 but this is the only home she's known. 7 00:00:17,751 --> 00:00:19,187 It would be dope if the U.S. won. 8 00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:21,021 You know, finally stick it to another country for once. 9 00:00:21,055 --> 00:00:23,391 Hey, don't discount China. 10 00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:25,326 The way that pitcher used her head 11 00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:27,195 to bounce the ball over the cage? 12 00:00:27,228 --> 00:00:28,762 Resourceful and unexpected. 13 00:00:28,796 --> 00:00:29,930 That's China. 14 00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:31,399 Did you say "pitcher"? 15 00:00:31,432 --> 00:00:32,433 I really don't care who wins this game. 16 00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:33,667 Marvin: You call this a game? 17 00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:35,203 Where's the hitting? 18 00:00:35,236 --> 00:00:37,238 Where's all the blood, little Liza? 19 00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:39,840 That's why I voted to watch "Cops." 20 00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:41,209 Can you guys keep it down? 21 00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:43,544 All this commotion is distracting Maria from eating. 22 00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:47,181 Cool. 23 00:00:47,215 --> 00:00:49,283 Just add yams to the list of things you won't eat, 24 00:00:49,317 --> 00:00:52,586 which so far is everything but strawberries and crayons. 25 00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:54,555 Honey, pipe down, we can't hear the game. 26 00:00:54,588 --> 00:00:55,756 If this is a game, 27 00:00:55,789 --> 00:00:57,258 then "The English Patient" is a war movie. 28 00:00:57,291 --> 00:00:58,859 It's been 90 minutes and no one has scored! 29 00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:01,629 Oh, come on, let the gals use their hands! 30 00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:03,364 Relax, Marvin. We're in overtime. 31 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:04,932 This'll be over any second. 32 00:01:04,965 --> 00:01:06,434 Announcer: And we're going to penalty kicks. 33 00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:08,536 If Brandi Chastain makes this penalty kick, 34 00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,070 the U.S. wins. 35 00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:11,639 Chastain places the ball. 36 00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:14,208 It all comes down to this kick. 37 00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:24,785 Goal! 38 00:01:24,818 --> 00:01:27,721 USA wins! 39 00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:31,259 And Chastain falls to her knees in celebration! 40 00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:33,761 What a picture-perfect moment. 41 00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:39,467 * Ooh, baby 42 00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:44,138 Rushing off to do his homework. 43 00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:47,675 He may root for team USA, but his blood runs red. 44 00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:49,943 -- Captions by VITAC -- 45 00:01:49,977 --> 00:01:51,412 * Fresh off the boat 46 00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:53,013 * I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go * 47 00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:55,149 * If you don't know, homey, now you know * 48 00:01:55,183 --> 00:01:56,484 * Fresh off the boat 49 00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:58,919 * Homey, you don't know where I come from * 50 00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:00,254 * But I know where I'm goin' 51 00:02:00,288 --> 00:02:03,090 * I'm fresh off the boat 52 00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:07,127 Hmm, proofreading your dad's poetry again? 53 00:02:07,161 --> 00:02:08,362 If only. 54 00:02:08,396 --> 00:02:10,631 I'm trying to pick an elective for 9th grade. 55 00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:12,500 There's just so many great options -- 56 00:02:12,533 --> 00:02:14,034 Photography, Yearbook, Drama... 57 00:02:14,067 --> 00:02:15,936 Ugh. Drama? 58 00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:18,206 Woodshop? Ceramics? Welding? 59 00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:20,040 Are you starting high school or prison? 60 00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:21,575 Let me help you narrow it down. 61 00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:26,180 Thanks! 62 00:02:27,548 --> 00:02:29,683 Good morning! 63 00:02:29,717 --> 00:02:31,151 I was wondering if you have any tips 64 00:02:31,185 --> 00:02:33,521 for getting pureed carrots out of linen? 65 00:02:33,554 --> 00:02:35,523 Maybe finish chewing before you talk? 66 00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:37,191 They're from Maria. 67 00:02:37,225 --> 00:02:38,326 When it comes to food, 68 00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:39,960 she's more of a thrower than an eater. 69 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,662 Mm, like a soccer pitcher. 70 00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:44,365 Eddie, you were supposed to be up 30 minutes ago. 71 00:02:44,398 --> 00:02:45,733 Did you sleep through your alarm again? 72 00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:47,000 Oh, I threw that garbage in the river. 73 00:02:47,034 --> 00:02:48,035 It's so loud. 74 00:02:48,068 --> 00:02:49,470 Anyways, I'm starving. 75 00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:51,038 Where those breakfast dogs at? 76 00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:54,742 I wish Maria would eat like Eddie. 77 00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:56,244 Mealtime is always a battle. 78 00:02:56,277 --> 00:02:58,312 I mean, especially now that I have two kids to wrangle. 79 00:02:58,346 --> 00:02:59,313 I wouldn't know. 80 00:02:59,347 --> 00:03:01,549 Because I have three. 81 00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:03,384 Why don't you trick her with a treat? 82 00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:04,985 Tempt Maria with something she likes, 83 00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,087 like strawberries, and then while she's chewing, 84 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:08,922 shove in a spoonful of beef. 85 00:03:08,956 --> 00:03:10,558 Hmm... I don't know... 86 00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:11,692 Trust me, it works. 87 00:03:11,725 --> 00:03:13,594 I do it all the time with Eddie, 88 00:03:13,627 --> 00:03:14,595 except in reverse. 89 00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:15,463 Watch this. 90 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,699 Thanks, Ma. 91 00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:20,334 See? Now he eats fruit. 92 00:03:20,368 --> 00:03:22,903 Guess who made the front page of the paper? 93 00:03:22,936 --> 00:03:24,037 Our girl Brandi! 94 00:03:24,071 --> 00:03:25,939 * Ooh -- 95 00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:26,974 Nope! 96 00:03:29,142 --> 00:03:30,344 What's up with Evan? 97 00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:32,112 He just ran off without checking the DOW. 98 00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:33,447 Eddie: Ohh, I know. 99 00:03:33,481 --> 00:03:35,583 Brandi Chastain in a sports bra? 100 00:03:35,616 --> 00:03:38,519 The way he acted at last night's game? 101 00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,554 Evan's got his first case of "the tingles". 102 00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:42,556 "The tingles"? 103 00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:45,793 You know, Little Evan is finally talking to Big Evan. 104 00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:47,194 Ohh. Ohh. 105 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:48,562 Ohh. 106 00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:50,097 Yeah... 107 00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:51,599 I -- I have gotta -- 108 00:03:51,632 --> 00:03:52,433 I have -- 109 00:03:52,466 --> 00:03:53,934 Okay... 110 00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:56,370 Well, it's sooner than we thought, 111 00:03:56,404 --> 00:03:58,238 but I guess it's time to give Evan 112 00:03:58,272 --> 00:04:00,207 my patented talk, "The Talk". 113 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,275 Good. Have fun. 114 00:04:01,309 --> 00:04:03,110 Everything waist-down is your territory. 115 00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:05,045 I made that very clear in our vows. 116 00:04:07,948 --> 00:04:10,751 Hey. Do you still have that "Flowers and Watering Cans" book 117 00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:11,952 lying around somewhere? 118 00:04:11,985 --> 00:04:13,321 You mean the "Birds and the Bees" book 119 00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:14,655 that Principal Hunter gave me? 120 00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:16,290 Yeah, it's for Evan's "tingle talk". 121 00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:18,292 I'm going to pretend like I'm going to read from it, 122 00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:20,294 then discard it in dramatic fashion. 123 00:04:20,328 --> 00:04:21,795 You know, open with a "wow". 124 00:04:21,829 --> 00:04:23,464 Wait. 125 00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:26,400 You're going to give him the exact same talk you gave me? 126 00:04:26,434 --> 00:04:28,035 Do you remember that talk? 127 00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:31,171 Half the reason I came to this country 128 00:04:31,204 --> 00:04:32,906 is so you could have lots of sex. 129 00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:34,742 Stay away from Arkansas, 130 00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:36,344 they outlawed all the fun stuff... 131 00:04:36,377 --> 00:04:38,412 If you pretend like you have a bad back, 132 00:04:38,446 --> 00:04:40,948 you don't have to do so much work. 133 00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:42,916 You can't give Evan that talk. 134 00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:44,318 Why? It was a great talk. 135 00:04:44,352 --> 00:04:46,019 Oh, it was the best talk. You killed it. 136 00:04:46,053 --> 00:04:48,589 But Evan's not chill like me. 137 00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,190 He's an innocent little dove. 138 00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:52,526 If you come at him like that, his head might explode. 139 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,695 Hmm. Okay, point taken. 140 00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:56,263 I'll make some adjustments. 141 00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:57,465 You know, Evan it up. 142 00:04:57,498 --> 00:04:58,499 I don't know. 143 00:04:58,532 --> 00:04:59,800 You're going to make it weird for him. 144 00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:00,801 Maybe I should do it. 145 00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:02,703 Evan looks up to me. 146 00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:04,372 I'm kinda like his father figure. 147 00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:05,373 What? 148 00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:06,640 No. I'm his father figure. 149 00:05:06,674 --> 00:05:07,941 You're barely a son figure. 150 00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:08,809 Oh, God, I didn't mean that. 151 00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:10,277 You're a great son. 152 00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,312 It's just -- it's my job, stay out of it. 153 00:05:13,381 --> 00:05:14,948 Really. You're great. 154 00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:16,384 Solid son. 155 00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:20,388 Notice anything? 156 00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:21,555 Yes. Everything. 157 00:05:21,589 --> 00:05:22,723 What? 158 00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:23,991 No stains! 159 00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:25,493 I tricked Maria using a treat, 160 00:05:25,526 --> 00:05:27,361 and I got her to eat a few bites of chicken. 161 00:05:27,395 --> 00:05:29,062 Your advice was great! 162 00:05:29,096 --> 00:05:30,063 Well, water is wet. 163 00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:30,898 I am beautiful. 164 00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:32,299 Are we just playing a game 165 00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,368 in which we say things we already know? 166 00:05:34,402 --> 00:05:35,636 Well, thank you. 167 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:36,737 I owe you one. 168 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:41,375 Is that your mother-in-law? 169 00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:42,142 What did she say? 170 00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:43,243 Who knows. 171 00:05:43,276 --> 00:05:45,479 She always yells across the house at me 172 00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:47,715 and then gets annoyed when I can't understand her, 173 00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:48,849 and yells again. 174 00:05:48,882 --> 00:05:51,351 It makes it so hard to ignore her twice. 175 00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:55,389 Two more yells 176 00:05:55,423 --> 00:05:58,091 until the stray dogs start barking back. 177 00:05:58,125 --> 00:05:59,660 Still better than my father-in-law, 178 00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,361 the gesticulator. 179 00:06:01,395 --> 00:06:03,564 He's like one of those, like, inflatable tube men 180 00:06:03,597 --> 00:06:05,399 at the car wash. 181 00:06:05,433 --> 00:06:07,200 Except a tube man wouldn't punch through 182 00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:09,369 the last self-portrait your Nana ever painted. 183 00:06:09,403 --> 00:06:11,939 Should I take Yearbook or Drama or German? 184 00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:15,275 "Ask again later"?! 185 00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:17,845 Uh...is Emery okay? 186 00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:19,847 He's still trying to choose an elective. 187 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,515 I hope he figures it out soon 188 00:06:21,549 --> 00:06:23,617 because I can't study with all these interruptions. 189 00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:31,525 Man: Hot dog! 190 00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:34,194 Now your favorite food is your favorite toy! 191 00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:35,463 Eddie: Where you going, nerd?! 192 00:06:35,496 --> 00:06:38,231 Sorry, it just rolls off the tongue at this point. 193 00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:40,601 These are my props for "The Talk". 194 00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:41,869 I thought about what you said 195 00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:43,571 and realized that Evan's more of a visual learner. 196 00:06:44,271 --> 00:06:45,238 Is that a -- 197 00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:46,907 A conch shell I painted hair on? 198 00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:47,908 You bet your ass it is. 199 00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:50,043 Okay, I really think all this 200 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,144 is just gonna confuse Evan. 201 00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:52,245 Come on, Eddie. 202 00:06:52,279 --> 00:06:54,782 I thought you were supposed to be chill. 203 00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:55,816 Relax, I got this. 204 00:06:59,487 --> 00:07:01,288 Evan? 205 00:07:01,321 --> 00:07:02,723 Yes, Papa? 206 00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:07,961 Aww... 207 00:07:11,364 --> 00:07:13,567 Oh. Nothing. 208 00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:19,607 I couldn't do it. 209 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:20,808 I don't know what happened! 210 00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:21,909 I choked! 211 00:07:23,010 --> 00:07:23,977 Don't worry, Pops. 212 00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:27,114 Eddie's got this. 213 00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:32,352 Yo, Evan. Listen up. 214 00:07:32,385 --> 00:07:33,787 Yes, Brother? 215 00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:49,703 Has he always been this adorable? 216 00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:52,172 He had one bad Saturday a couple years ago. 217 00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:53,941 Other than that, yup. 218 00:07:58,378 --> 00:08:00,013 Afternoon, Mother! 219 00:08:00,047 --> 00:08:01,549 Well, you're in a better mood today. 220 00:08:01,582 --> 00:08:03,183 That I am! 221 00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:04,552 Why are you shouting? 222 00:08:04,585 --> 00:08:06,353 I'm "projecting". 223 00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:08,556 It's a technique actors use to be heard across the room. 224 00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:09,857 I'm not following. 225 00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:11,124 I talked to Honey, 226 00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,794 and she helped me pick an elective -- Drama! 227 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:16,363 She did what?!! 228 00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:17,798 Now you're projecting! 229 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,199 Did you take Drama, too? 230 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:25,806 You! 231 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,007 What did you say to him?! 232 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,408 Wh-- 233 00:08:28,441 --> 00:08:30,210 Emery said that after he talked to you, 234 00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:32,312 he signed up for Drama! 235 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,414 Oh, good! I'm glad he finally picked something. No. 236 00:08:34,447 --> 00:08:36,183 Drama is a garbage elective. 237 00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:38,251 I -- I thought you just wanted him to choose? 238 00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:41,388 Well, I didn't think he would choose something so useless. 239 00:08:41,421 --> 00:08:44,324 That's right up there with Spanish or CPR Training. 240 00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:46,226 Jessica, I know how you feel about the arts, 241 00:08:46,259 --> 00:08:47,828 but there are aspects of Drama 242 00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,029 I think really could help Emery -- 243 00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:51,264 What exactly did you say to him? 244 00:08:51,298 --> 00:08:52,900 That it would be "fun"? 245 00:08:52,933 --> 00:08:54,935 Help him utilize his "imagination"? 246 00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:58,205 Get in touch with his "feelings"? 247 00:08:58,238 --> 00:08:59,773 Why are you using air quotes? 248 00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:00,941 Those are real words. 249 00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:03,443 Are they, "Honey"? 250 00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:07,047 Look, Emery was stressed about his electives, 251 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:10,350 and it was obviously stressing you out, too. 252 00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:12,185 And you had been so helpful with Maria, 253 00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:13,520 I just wanted to repay the favor. 254 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,055 Well, if you want to do me a favor, 255 00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:16,523 just stay in your lane. 256 00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:18,225 Really? 257 00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:20,060 Because you never stay in your lane. 258 00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:22,696 Name one time I haven't. 259 00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:24,932 How about the time you threw out all of my Shania CDs 260 00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:27,067 because you said country-pop wasn't a real thing? 261 00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:29,903 Or the time you tried to have my first name changed? 262 00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:31,605 Or the time you casually suggested 263 00:09:31,639 --> 00:09:33,573 I would be happier with a younger man? 264 00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:35,075 Casually? 265 00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:37,110 I gave you Eddie's basketball coach's number. 266 00:09:37,144 --> 00:09:38,445 Look, as misguided as that was, 267 00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:40,147 I knew you were just looking out for me. 268 00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:41,949 That's what good friends do. 269 00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:43,483 You see a chance to help and you do it. 270 00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:44,885 You don't ask for permission. 271 00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,787 Oh, so we don't have to ask for permission 272 00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:47,655 to help each other? 273 00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:49,322 Good, because there have been 274 00:09:49,356 --> 00:09:50,423 so many times I wanted to help you, 275 00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:51,725 but I held back. 276 00:09:51,759 --> 00:09:53,661 This has been you holding back? 277 00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:55,428 Well, I can't help you with everything, Honey. 278 00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:56,764 Oh. 279 00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:58,632 Okay. 280 00:09:58,666 --> 00:09:59,933 Okay, well, if you think I need help, 281 00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:00,901 then by all means, don't hold back. 282 00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:01,902 You shouldn't. 283 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:04,004 Neither should you. 284 00:10:04,037 --> 00:10:06,106 No more lanes. Mm. 285 00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:07,407 Because we're such good friends. 286 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:08,441 The best. 287 00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:11,478 Mm. 288 00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:15,448 This headband is wrong for you...friend. 289 00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:17,918 It draws attention to your weird hairline. 290 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,320 Thank you...friend. 291 00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:22,089 And now let me help you. 292 00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:24,257 This necklace is ugly, 293 00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:27,127 and it highlights your oversized clavicles. 294 00:10:33,533 --> 00:10:34,534 You were right. 295 00:10:34,567 --> 00:10:35,936 Evan is an innocent little dove. 296 00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:37,437 I can't see him as anything 297 00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:39,506 but the little boy who plays with Beanie Babies. 298 00:10:39,539 --> 00:10:42,175 And where did that cute puppy night-light come from? 299 00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:43,677 Innocent Boys 'R' Us? 300 00:10:43,711 --> 00:10:46,613 Billion-dollar idea but try to stay focused. 301 00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,716 "The Talk" is going to be harder than I thought. 302 00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:51,384 I don't think I can go back in by myself. 303 00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:52,720 Maybe we could team up. 304 00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:54,788 Two heads are always better than one. 305 00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:56,724 K-Ci is nothing without JoJo. 306 00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:58,325 No idea who they are, 307 00:10:58,358 --> 00:11:00,728 but based on context, yes, good plan. 308 00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:02,329 We flank Evan from both sides, 309 00:11:02,362 --> 00:11:04,865 and we turn the last Huang boy into a Huang man. 310 00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:07,067 So weird, but okay. 311 00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,172 Evan, we need to talk to you about something. 312 00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:13,240 Oh no. 313 00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:14,708 There's a hole in the foot of my jammies. 314 00:11:14,742 --> 00:11:17,010 Hello, Ernie The Toe! 315 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,349 We can't talk to him on an empty stomach. Hmm. 316 00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:24,584 What are we? People who don't need to eat? Thank you. 317 00:11:24,617 --> 00:11:27,187 We just need to get the exact words down on paper. 318 00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:28,555 After that, we talk to Evan. 319 00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:30,523 Yeah. We're not scared! 320 00:11:32,592 --> 00:11:34,394 But... 321 00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:36,396 maybe we should clear our heads first 322 00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:38,098 with an 8:20 showing of "The Sixth Sense." 323 00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:39,399 Yes, smart. 324 00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:41,334 We follow that up with "Notting Hill" at 10:15, 325 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:42,402 then we buckle down. 326 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,843 Okay... 327 00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:53,246 Okay, little Liza, your bottle is almost ready... 328 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,715 Gosh, Honey, juggling two kids looks hard. 329 00:11:55,749 --> 00:11:57,517 As your friend, I thought 330 00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,386 keeping one occupied with a fun toy might help... 331 00:12:02,622 --> 00:12:04,424 ...to stimulate her mind. 332 00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:06,426 Since she's not walking yet. 333 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,868 Oh, good, you're up. 334 00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:17,037 Since you're having a hard time with Eddie oversleeping, 335 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,071 as a friend, 336 00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:19,807 I thought I'd lend a helping hand 337 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,775 in the form of a military wake up. 338 00:12:21,809 --> 00:12:23,076 Anybody in the mood for some "Hello Dolly"? 339 00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:30,650 Ow! 340 00:12:30,683 --> 00:12:33,086 hurt like a 341 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,922 I know. Your house, it's a mess. 342 00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:37,324 You've been so preoccupied with the kids 343 00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:38,458 that you've let everything slide. 344 00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:41,061 That's why I thought I would help 345 00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:43,096 by inviting your in-laws to stay. 346 00:12:43,130 --> 00:12:47,234 Can't hurt to have an extra set of gesticulating hands. 347 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,402 What? You -- 348 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:51,604 You invited Mervin and Candy? 349 00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:52,973 Yes. 350 00:12:53,006 --> 00:12:54,307 I love what you've done with the place. 351 00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:55,809 It's so open and -- 352 00:12:57,010 --> 00:12:58,445 It fell. 353 00:12:58,478 --> 00:13:01,614 Ohh. Honey, that is not childproof. 354 00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:02,850 Thanks, Candy. 355 00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:06,586 My hairline is gorgeous. 356 00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:10,657 Where's Dad's pomade? 357 00:13:10,690 --> 00:13:12,359 I'm playing Danny Zuko in "Grease"! 358 00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:14,527 It's electrifying! 359 00:13:17,164 --> 00:13:18,531 Grandma: We have the house surrounded! 360 00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:19,933 Come out with your hands up! 361 00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:24,537 I got your mother-in-law a megaphone. 362 00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:26,439 Now you don't have to worry about Jenny yelling 363 00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:27,774 and not understanding her. 364 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,376 Grandma: Did you like my joke? 365 00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:30,777 It was me. 366 00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:32,545 I was the police. 367 00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:35,382 In conclusion, 368 00:13:35,415 --> 00:13:37,885 there are religious, social, and cultural reasons 369 00:13:37,918 --> 00:13:39,286 for the procedure, 370 00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,154 but as far as how it affects sensitivity, 371 00:13:41,188 --> 00:13:43,456 the jury's still out on that one. 372 00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:46,326 Okay, so, getting to first base means kissing. 373 00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:47,660 Second base -- 374 00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:49,062 You don't want to know what second base was like 375 00:13:49,096 --> 00:13:50,697 in the Navy. 376 00:13:50,730 --> 00:13:53,967 Ours was based on naval bases, not baseball bases. 377 00:13:54,001 --> 00:13:56,136 You know, I almost got to Pearl Harbor 378 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:57,404 with the Captain's daughter. 379 00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:03,210 I sorta get the conch shell, but why the tongs? 380 00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:05,078 Oh, I was just returning those to the restaurant. 381 00:14:05,112 --> 00:14:06,746 You know, guys, the problem with your talk 382 00:14:06,779 --> 00:14:08,181 is there's too much talk. 383 00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:10,183 You're gonna lose Evan. 384 00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:12,719 Now, when my old man did it, he just used hand gestures. 385 00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:17,057 Boom. Facts of life. 386 00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:21,028 Why do you and your dad look like brothers? 387 00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:23,196 Oh, well, that's the way it works in the Ellis family. 388 00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:24,731 You know, by the time we're 25, 389 00:14:24,764 --> 00:14:26,666 we look like we're old men, 390 00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,868 and then we just coast the next 70 years. 391 00:14:28,902 --> 00:14:30,904 It's the curse that keeps on blessing. 392 00:14:30,938 --> 00:14:32,839 I've had crow's feet since I was in college. 393 00:14:36,143 --> 00:14:38,211 I'm just thankful my sisters gave me the talk 394 00:14:38,245 --> 00:14:40,213 because I'm not following any of this. 395 00:14:40,247 --> 00:14:42,282 Trent, you beautiful red beast! 396 00:14:42,315 --> 00:14:43,683 That's brilliant! 397 00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:46,353 Maybe what we need is a woman's perspective. 398 00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:48,788 And that's how you pleasure a woman. 399 00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:50,590 Emotionally and sexually. 400 00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:55,062 I don't feel comfortable saying any of that to Evan. 401 00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:56,930 I should have taken notes. 402 00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:58,598 I'm just trying to erase the visuals. 403 00:14:58,631 --> 00:15:00,600 And the sound effects were totally unnecessary. 404 00:15:02,169 --> 00:15:03,736 We're worse off than when we started. 405 00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:05,305 Maybe we have to rethink the talk altogether. 406 00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:07,907 Yeah, and why are we rushing into things? 407 00:15:07,941 --> 00:15:09,742 Evan's still young. So young. 408 00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:10,944 Just a lamb, really. 409 00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:11,979 Yeah, we've got plenty of time. 410 00:15:12,012 --> 00:15:13,446 Grandma, do you mind 411 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:15,082 if I store my Beanie Babies in here? 412 00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:17,417 I'm reaching an age where I need some privacy. 413 00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:18,451 You do it! No, you do it! 414 00:15:18,485 --> 00:15:19,319 I'll do it! 415 00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:19,987 No!No! 416 00:15:20,954 --> 00:15:23,290 Evan, your dad and Eddie 417 00:15:23,323 --> 00:15:25,125 need to have a little talk with you. 418 00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:27,460 Not here, though. 419 00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:30,463 This is already too much family time for today. 420 00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:36,069 And they say you can't reuse your maternity clothes. 421 00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:38,405 I'm Sandy from "Grease." 422 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:40,974 I came over to help Emery run lines. 423 00:15:41,008 --> 00:15:43,310 Why do you look like a low-rent "Pretty Woman"? 424 00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:46,613 Oh, I just bought a few dozen turtlenecks 425 00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:49,016 to help you with your clavicle problem. 426 00:15:51,351 --> 00:15:53,320 What do you think of my costume? 427 00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:55,622 I just need help sewing the Rydell "R" on my sweater. 428 00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:57,157 I'll help you. No, I'll help you. 429 00:16:04,998 --> 00:16:06,366 My Danny Zuko letterman sweater! 430 00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:09,136 Thanks, Honey. 431 00:16:09,169 --> 00:16:10,303 You wanted some drama in his life, 432 00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:11,371 now you have it! 433 00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:15,942 Hello! I have a megaphone! 434 00:16:20,747 --> 00:16:21,914 Look at what you did! Me? Look at what you did! 435 00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:26,019 I came over here to help. As a friend. 436 00:16:26,053 --> 00:16:27,787 Well, maybe we're the type of friends who work best 437 00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:29,356 when we don't help each other with anything! 438 00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:30,390 That is not what friends do. 439 00:16:30,423 --> 00:16:31,791 Well, then maybe we're not friends! 440 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,160 Maybe we're not! 441 00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:36,563 Here. 442 00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:38,698 I'd lend you my sewing machine to fix Emery's sweater, 443 00:16:38,731 --> 00:16:40,800 but, sadly, that's a thing only friends do. 444 00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:42,202 That's fine. 445 00:16:42,235 --> 00:16:44,137 I already have two sewing machines of my own. 446 00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:52,645 So, um... 447 00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:53,646 that's it... 448 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,648 That's how it all works. 449 00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:58,551 Do you... have any questions? 450 00:16:58,585 --> 00:16:59,552 Not really, 451 00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:01,088 I actually know all of that already. 452 00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:02,555 You do? 453 00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:04,657 Then why'd you let Dad take out the shell? 454 00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:07,227 I was confused of what was going on inside of me, 455 00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:09,696 so I went to the library and microfiched like a fool. 456 00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:10,997 Oh. 457 00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:13,566 Okay, good, but, um, if you ever need to talk, 458 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:14,601 you could always come to me. 459 00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:15,602 Or me. 460 00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:17,704 Or...both of us. 461 00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:19,572 And if you guys ever need to talk, 462 00:17:19,606 --> 00:17:21,408 I'm here, too. 463 00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:23,276 At the library, I learned Dad's at the age 464 00:17:23,310 --> 00:17:25,178 where his man parts start failing 465 00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:26,746 and Eddie's a year away from his sexual peak. 466 00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:28,515 * Yeah 467 00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:30,517 Apparently, it's all downhill from there. 468 00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:32,252 * No 469 00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:34,053 Okay, off you go. 470 00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:46,133 Hola, mi amor. 471 00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:48,368 Why? 472 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:50,870 Do I and my perfectly functional man parts 473 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:53,573 need an excuse to spend some alone time with my wife? 474 00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:56,376 Can we table whatever it is you're going through right now? 475 00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:58,311 Honey is trying to turn Emery into a homeless. 476 00:17:58,345 --> 00:18:00,713 By encouraging him to take Drama? 477 00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:02,282 That's how it starts. 478 00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:04,951 She says she's helping me as a friend, 479 00:18:04,984 --> 00:18:07,654 but all she's doing is overstepping. 480 00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:09,722 Do you know how it feels to be around somebody so pushy? 481 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,591 Mm... 482 00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:14,794 I just don't see how Honey thinks that she can help me. 483 00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:17,464 Well, maybe you're just underestimating her. 484 00:18:17,497 --> 00:18:19,799 You're used to your relationship being one way 485 00:18:19,832 --> 00:18:21,301 and now it's changing. 486 00:18:21,334 --> 00:18:23,903 It's like that time I gave Evan "The Talk". 487 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:26,072 You mean just now? Yes. 488 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:27,607 Did he already know everything? Yes. 489 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,909 Did he teach you stuff, too? Yes. 490 00:18:31,378 --> 00:18:34,113 You know, I always figured that being his father 491 00:18:34,147 --> 00:18:36,149 automatically made me the teacher. 492 00:18:36,183 --> 00:18:39,586 But I'm realizing that he'll teach me things, too, 493 00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:41,354 because he's going through big life changes. 494 00:18:41,388 --> 00:18:42,589 And so is Honey. 495 00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:43,623 It only makes sense 496 00:18:43,656 --> 00:18:46,326 that your relationship would evolve. 497 00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:48,795 So, back to my man parts, 498 00:18:48,828 --> 00:18:50,930 which I said are fully functional. 499 00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:52,965 And have a can-do attitude. 500 00:18:55,202 --> 00:18:56,002 Great, Louis. 501 00:18:56,035 --> 00:18:57,237 See you in the bedroom. 502 00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,647 Honey, I need your sewing machine. 503 00:19:15,255 --> 00:19:16,656 Hey, let me help you. 504 00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:17,990 It's okay. 505 00:19:18,024 --> 00:19:19,726 Please. 506 00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:21,728 Here. 507 00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:23,029 You know, I have to say, 508 00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:24,497 the blocks you brought over 509 00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:26,866 did keep Maria distracted while I fed Liza. 510 00:19:26,899 --> 00:19:30,169 And Marvin's bugle worked. 511 00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:32,205 Eddie's so afraid of hearing it again, 512 00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:34,674 now he gets up even earlier. 513 00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:36,409 Well, what about Jenny's megaphone? 514 00:19:36,443 --> 00:19:37,510 I threw that garbage in the river. 515 00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:44,217 Honey, this may come as a surprise to you, 516 00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:47,220 but I'm not very good at accepting help. 517 00:19:47,254 --> 00:19:49,188 Mostly because I never need it. 518 00:19:49,222 --> 00:19:50,390 Never? 519 00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:53,826 I'm just so used to being able to give you advice 520 00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:55,194 and you just taking it. 521 00:19:55,228 --> 00:19:57,063 But now that you have two kids of your own -- 522 00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:59,766 which is still one less than three -- 523 00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:02,869 I guess you'll have advice to give me, too, sometimes. 524 00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:05,738 So... can we be friends again? 525 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,741 Yes. 526 00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:11,578 Just know that 98% of the time, I won't need any help. 527 00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:12,579 Oh. 528 00:20:12,612 --> 00:20:14,180 Well, I'll be there for that 2%. 529 00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:18,017 Okay. 530 00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:19,118 Good as new. 531 00:20:19,151 --> 00:20:20,853 Thank you, Honey. 532 00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:24,056 Emery's been a lot happier since he started Drama-ing. 533 00:20:24,090 --> 00:20:26,693 You know who else took high school drama? 534 00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:28,227 Bill Clinton. 535 00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:29,796 No. Yeah. 536 00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:30,797 And Richard Nixon. 537 00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:34,434 Well, if it's good enough for Tricky Dick, 538 00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:35,568 it's good enough for Emery. 539 00:20:41,974 --> 00:20:42,509 I owe you guys an apology. 540 00:20:44,176 --> 00:20:46,913 I shut you out because I was avoiding having a conversation 541 00:20:46,946 --> 00:20:49,582 I wasn't mature enough to have yet. 542 00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:51,884 But if I'm really going to be a man, 543 00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:53,720 I'm gonna have to start acting like one. 544 00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:56,489 So, let's talk. 545 00:20:56,523 --> 00:21:00,427 When a Beanie Baby reaches a certain age... 546 00:21:02,495 --> 00:21:04,897 Oh, god, have you guys always been this cute? 547 00:21:04,931 --> 00:21:06,265 I can't do this. 548 00:21:06,299 --> 00:21:07,600 Grandma, you're up. 549 00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:12,705 Evan, you're gonna want to take a walk. 550 00:21:16,876 --> 00:21:17,744 I'm sorry, Brandi. 551 00:21:18,811 --> 00:21:21,681 All right, first base...